What to do when you feel like a big fat lie…

Somewhere between 3 and 5 people regularly read this blog mostly because I’ve been so inconsistent with updates.  I’m sorry.  I love you all and I do hope to provide good stuff you can use when you stop by or hit up your reader or however you access my stuff.  But lately, I have felt like a hypocrite.  Who am I to advise you on living your life when I don’t have my shit together?

I’m not sure how far back to go with this tale of woe, it could be five years or just one.  I think I’ll go with one.  A year ago today, I filed a Hostile Work Environment complaint against the Federal Government Agency that I worked for, particularly my supervisor.  That led down a path where I was fired for doing so, the EEO complaint resolution process was a big, fat joke, my character was defamed and many, many laws were broken or skirted by my old boss, her boss and so many other people that I lack the energy for rage and resentment.  I know right from right and I know wrong from wrong.  This was all wrong.

As I’ve mentioned in prior posts, I believe so strongly in treating people the way I’d like to be treated.  I have never been accused of treating anyone like shit and yet…  Perhaps these are lessons I must learn to truly help others?  I don’t know.

So the months following August 17, 2012 were pretty shitty.    I focused on moving forward.  I started a DBA program.  I got a different job.  Unfortunately the job required establishing a satellite operating base in the Twin Cities.  On the day I was to start this new job, I had my first uveitis flare in about three years.  It hasn’t stopped since.  Chronic disease is incredibly depressing.  Shots in your eyes to treat it aren’t fun and neither is chemotherapy.

Next up, our son is facing felony charges.  Serious felony charges.  As in a maximum of 43 years.  Because he’s an idiot.  13 year olds are off limits bro.  Period.  Now you have to own it.  Given the roller coaster we’ve ridden with him for the past five years, I’m pretty worn out there too.

So my goal here is to help you simplify your life.  Raise your kids well, master some helpful household tasks, cook the way you want to.  Manage your money and manage your life.  And I have felt like I’m failing at that.  I feel like a big fat lie.

So what do you do?

1.  Focus.  Focus on what is good around you.  No matter how dark most things seem, goodness is there.  For me, sometimes it’s just this face:

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2.  Relish the good things.  The Army is big on Resilience right now and they call it “Hunting the Good Stuff”.  When you’re strung out and nothing seems real, realize that lots of things are real.  Stop, smell the flowers.  Throw a dinner party.  Light your backyard bonfire and press pause on the bullshit switch.

3.  Invest.  Dig deep and invest in your own happiness.  If you are enveloped in fear and worry, it is not good for you and makes you no good to anyone else either.  You KNOW this.  Meditate, take walks, do a bit of yoga.  Your mind, body and spirit will be eternally grateful.  You’re never too busy to take 20 minutes for yourself.

4.  Break it down.  What pieces do you need to fix?  What pieces, when you let go of the emotion attached, don’t matter?  If they don’t matter, let them go.  Focus on what you can fix.  For me, that’s my physical and mental well-being.  It’s maintaining healthy boundaries.  Remembering that sometimes, what’s best and what’s easiest aren’t the same and doing the right things, not the easy things.

5.  Mix it up.  Go for a short term fix while working on long-term fixes.  I’m not talking about comfort food or comfort booze, here.  I’m talking about a  walk, a manicure, a cup of coffee with a friend while you work on the big stuff.

6.  Ask for help.  I’d been keeping so much stuff I needed to “publish” inside that it literally became painful.  Physically and emotionally it was more than I could handle.  So I talked.  I talked to my husband.  I talked to my doctor (I feel very guilty about the condition I was in that day) and I will be talking with a therapist.  I will continue working on my Courageous Life Coaching program and I will get through this.

Depression is a liar.  Anxiety is a thief.  Bullshit is bullshit.  Push it all away and move forward.  I’ve got your back.

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